


From the Desk of Count Olaf

by RosieG9012 (B1nary_S0lo)



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events
Genre: Canon Era, Diary/Journal, Flash Fic, Gen, Humor, Oneshot, Villains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-20
Updated: 2013-08-20
Packaged: 2017-12-24 02:07:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/933908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/B1nary_S0lo/pseuds/RosieG9012
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In thirteen short parts, Count Olaf plots and ponders his quest to steal the Baudelaire fortune.</p>
            </blockquote>





	From the Desk of Count Olaf

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story for an exercise in a creative writing class. The prompt was to take a multi-part story (such as a movie series, a book series, etc.) and turn each part of said story into a short fiction of 750 words or less. Ideally, each short fiction should stand alone, while also linking up to give readers an idea of the larger story. Note that since I wrote this story for an audience who may or may not be familiar with the series, I left out some essential details and plot elements in order to make the story easier to understand on its own. However, I hope that it can be enjoyed by fans of the series as well.

_Woeful Wedding_

Baudelaire brats arrived today. All of them are much too smart for their own good. Never fear. I’ll soon fix that.

My plan to steal the Baudelaire fortune is a brilliant one, if I do say so myself. I shall marry the girl, Violet, on stage during one of my plays. Unbeknownst to those fools in the audience, it will be a real, legal wedding! Haha! Then, as Violet’s husband, I will have control over her fortune! My plan is foolproof! I just have to ensure that those other brats—the boy and the baby—don’t get in the way. Well, I have been wondering what to do with that cage up in the tower…

_Pernicious Poison_

The brats have been sent to live with that stupidly named Montgomery Montgomery. Apparently he runs some kind of snake operation out past Hazy Harbor. He’s a herpta—a herpatalologist? I still have that long black beard in my disguise kit. I’ll head out there, take a henchman or two, and say that I’m the old man’s new assistant. Then, I’ll poison the old fool using the venom of one of his own snakes, and whisk the children off to Peru, where the law can’t find us! It’s genius!

_Loathsome Leeches_

The orphans are off to a new guardian. This one lives by the shores of Lake Lachrymose. I do love lakes. They have so much potential, particularly when they’re infested with man-eating leeches.

Must be off. Have to dig up a new disguise for this one. I’m thinking something naval this time. An eye patch, maybe a peg leg. Perhaps I’ll print up a business card or two, make it really seem official. Ta-ta!

_Horrific Hypnosis_

To do:

o Commission: 1 eye-shaped building in Paltryville town square

o Locate: good book on hypnosis

o Brainstorm: hypnosis command word, word to un-hypnotize victim

o Locate: blond wig, pantyhose, make-up kit, floral dress (something in pink?)

o Brainstorm: fun things to spend stolen fortune on (lower priority)

_Lurching Laps_

The brats are off to boarding school, and, this time, my plot is truly ingenious. I will dress as a gym coach and force the Baudelaire orphans to run laps night after night. They will be so tired and sore from running that they will fail all their classes and be expelled from school, allowing yours truly to step in as their new legal guardian. Wahaha!

P.S. I hear that the Quagmire twins (triplets? I can never remember) will be at the same boarding school as the Baudelaire brats. The Quagmires are orphans too. Hmm.

_Auspicious Auction_

This time, I have managed one small victory: I now have the Quagmire twins in my clutches, and have hidden them in a secret location. It seems that the Quagmires and the Baudelaires became fond of each other whilst at school. I’m sure that the Baudelaire’s will do anything to locate their little friends. They will walk right into my trap!

For now, I’m off to buy an auctioneer’s outfit. Esmé, their new legal guardian—and my secret henchwoman. I do love a twist!—should know what clothes are “In” these days.

_Dastardly Detectives (1)_

Esmé has joined me in my mission, and she and I have followed the orphans to their new home in the Village of Fowl Devotees. We’re short on time, so I can’t fully explain my plan at this moment, but I will say that it involves a motorcycle, a rather large harpoon gun, and costume jewelry from the 1970s.

_Dastardly Detectives (2)_

Well, we lost the Quagmire brats, but, wonderful news! Guess who was just framed for the murder of “Count Omar?” The Baudelaires! The children are on the lam now, alone, guardian-less, defenseless. It will be harder to track them down, but I don’t doubt that we’ll meet again. Watch out, orphans. Run for your silly little lives.

_Ferocious Fire_

End-of-Scheme report:

Losses:  
Baudelaires escaped  
1 henchman dead  
Snicket File not recovered  
Still no fortune :(

Wins:  
Heimlich Hospital, Library of Records burned down (I do love fire)

_Livid Lions_

Dear Madame Lulu,

Guess who? Lucky you, I’ll be stopping by to see you quite soon. I need another reading. I want to know the location of the Baudelaires, of course, but this time, I also have something else in mind. I need to know the location of the Snicket File. It is of utmost importance to my noble work. Fire up your crystal ball, Madame.

\--Count Olaf

P.S. I hear tell that you’re in need of a new attraction. What are your thoughts on lions?

_Melancholy Mountain_

Urgh. It’s freezing cold. I can barely hold a pen straight. My henchmen (what remain of them) and I are atop Mount Fraught, awaiting our transportation off this godforsaken icicle.

I lost the orphans once again. But I have the first twelve pages of the Snicket File, more than enough for my purposes. With the file in my grasp, I can destroy all evidence of my previous crimes. Once I get my hands on the Baudelaire fortune, I will truly be free to do as I please.

_Malicious Mushrooms_

My last few henchmen, Esmé, and I now travel aboard a submarine, sailing towards the Hotel Denouement. We hold in our grasp several spores of the Medusoid Mycelium, the most deadly poison known to man (and woman too, I suppose). Our enemies wait at that hotel, and with this poison, we can destroy them once and for all.

It has been a long, long time since I was last in the city, or at least it feels as though it’s been a long time. I wonder what awaits me there? The fortune I’ve sought for so long? An end to all this wandering—this weariness?

_Solitary Suite_

I write this in my suite at the Hotel Denouement. I am alone. Why don’t my henchmen every want to spend time with me anymore? No sign of the Baudelaires yet, but I don’t doubt they’ll be here. They always come back. They always are.

I know that I should be happy, rejoicing in the upcoming destruction of my enemies, but, funnily enough, my thoughts turn to my parents. I haven’t thought of them in a long while. I often wonder what my life would have been if not for that fateful night at the opera, so many years ago. Would I be stealing the fortunes of orphans? Would I be committing acts of arson and violence?

What else could I do?

_The End_

The fire at the hotel took care of the rest of my henchmen. I’m imprisoned in a small cage off the coast of a remote island. I don’t have the Baudelaire fortune. The children themselves have abandoned me. How did it come to this?

Kit Snicket is here, on this island. Dear Kit. How long has it been since we last saw one another? She’s pregnant, but she won’t last much longer. Kit, have you already forgotten that poem we learned? I can’t get it out of my head. I’ll write it here, though the water is eating up the last of my paper.

“Man hands on misery to man, it deepens like a coastal shelf, get out as early as you can and don’t

(rest illegible)


End file.
